im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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