Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
