Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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