Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
