My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
