I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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