I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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