I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
