Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
