I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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