I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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