Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We need to get me chipped asap
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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