so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
