and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
