It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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