after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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