I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
