he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
