His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
