; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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