My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
