Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
