Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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