Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
