I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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