please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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