i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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