the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
