I accidentally had phone sex last night
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
