You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
