The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
