Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
