If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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