i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
