wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
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