Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
