I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
