I'm going to jail i love you
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
