..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
