i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
