I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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