Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
