If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
