Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
