omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
no, he came in my armpit
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
