the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
