Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
