now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
