Michael Bay diarrhea
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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