Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
