Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
