i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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