I hate all girls vehemently.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
