sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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